How to Find Your North Star When Everything Feels Important

I’ve noticed something about being human: we can become incredibly good at moving without ever stopping to ask ourselves where we are going. We wake up and immediately enter the list—the email that needs answering, the person who needs something, the project that is behind, the appointment we forgot to schedule, the bill that needs paying, the thing we should have finished yesterday. Somewhere inside all of that movement, it becomes very easy to lose our sense of direction.

I was thinking about this recently while preparing a North Star workshop for Catalyst. I kept coming back to the same question: What happens when everything feels important?

For many of us, that is exactly what life feels like. We are working, building, raising families, caring for people, managing relationships, worrying about money, thinking about the future, and trying to take care of ourselves somewhere in between. Everything begins competing for the same space, and when everything feels critical, the loudest thing often wins.

But the loudest thing is not always the most important thing.

We like to imagine that we make decisions logically. We gather information, weigh our options, and choose what makes the most sense. But human beings are much more complicated than that. We make decisions through our histories, relationships, emotions, values, fears, and the ways we have learned to protect ourselves.

Sometimes what looks like ambition also contains a need for approval. What looks like responsibility may contain a fear of disappointing someone. Perfectionism may be about doing excellent work, while also protecting us from the vulnerability of getting something wrong.

More than one thing can be true at the same time. I can genuinely want something and still be driven by fear. I can love taking care of people and still be afraid of disappointing them. I can be passionate about my work and still use work to avoid something uncomfortable inside myself.

That is why, before asking “Where am I going?”, it can be helpful to first ask, “What is driving me?”

When I talk about a North Star, I am not talking about another goal. We already have plenty of those. Make the money. Grow the business. Get the promotion. Finish the project. Improve the relationship. Lose the weight. Sleep more and stay hydrated . Goals are useful because they give us something concrete to work toward, but a North Star serves a different purpose.

Perpetually Calibrated

A goal tells us somewhere we would like to arrive. A North Star helps us orient ourselves while we are getting there.

It asks us to think about who we want to be while we build the life we are trying to create. What actually matters to me? What am I unwilling to sacrifice in the name of success? What kind of relationships do I want to have? What do I want my work to make possible in my life? What kind of human am I becoming?

These questions don't necessarily make our decisions easier. Sometimes they make them more uncomfortable because the answer may require disappointing someone, slowing down when everyone around us seems to be accelerating, or admitting that something we worked incredibly hard for no longer fits.

A Direction That is Always True

A North Star doesn't promise comfort. It offers direction.

And direction becomes particularly important when we are under stress. When life becomes overwhelming, our world tends to get smaller. Instead of thinking about the person we want to become five years from now, our systems become concerned with something much more immediate: *How do I make this discomfort stop?*

We work harder.

We avoid.

We control.

We people-please.

We shut down.

We become fiercely independent. We make the decision simply because uncertainty has become unbearable. And, under significant stress, the brain systems involved in flexible and reflective decision-making can become harder to access while more automatic responses take over (Arnsten, 2009).

In everyday language, that means we tend to return to what is comfortable.

This is why simply knowing our values isn't always enough. We need ways of finding them again when everything inside of us becomes loud.

Modern life is loud. Notifications are loud. Deadlines are loud. Financial pressure is loud. Other people's expectations can be incredibly loud. Fear is loud. Comparison is loud.

The voice telling us we should be further along by now can become deafening. Yet, some of the most important things in our lives are remarkably quiet.

Even If Not Defined, It Cannot Be Denied

Our bodies often whisper before screaming.

Relationships can slowly become distant without ever sending an emergency notification.

Creativity can quietly disappear while we continue meeting every deadline.

Our children grow while we answer emails.

The part of us that wants something different may speak so softly that we can barely hear it underneath everything we believe we “should” be doing.

Maybe this is one of the reasons we need moments of stillness—because sometimes we need enough space to distinguish between “what is demanding our attention and what deserves our attention”.

The body can be part of that conversation too. Sometimes we intellectually know that something isn't working long before we are willing to acknowledge it. Other times, the body seems to notice first. There is tightness in the chest every Sunday evening. Your stomach drops before a particular conversation. You notice irritability that seems much bigger than the moment deserves. The heart palipitations between breaths... There is a restlessness every time you imagine another year living exactly as you are now.

None of those sensations automatically tell us what decision to make. I don't believe the body is some infallible truth detector. But it does give us information. Instead of immediately asking, “How do I make this feeling disappear?”, we can become curious about what our nervous system might be responding to.

It's Like We're Navigating The Ocean

We cannot control the ocean. We cannot negotiate with the current or ask the waves to stop because we had plans for calm water. We learn to read the conditions. We orient ourselves. We know where we are trying to go, and when the water moves us off course, we notice and adjust.

I think our internal world asks something similar from us. Thoughts will come. Emotions will rise to give us information. Fear will sometimes become incredibly convincing. Old patterns will return. Other people's expectations will pull at us. We don't need to control all of it before we can move forward. We need to learn how to navigate it.

Defining Success Beyond Revenue

During our workshop, I invited everyone to imagine standing beneath a night sky. Above them were thousands of stars. Each one represented something competing for their attention—work, money, family, expectations, success, responsibilities, other people's opinions, everything they thought they should be doing, and everything they were afraid they weren't doing well enough.

Then I asked them to imagine one star that remained steady.

Their North Star.

Not another accomplishment. Not something else to achieve. Something deeper: their values, their direction, the person they want to become.

And I asked them a simple question: “What does your North Star remind you today?”

Not next year. Not when the business succeeds. Not when there is finally enough money. Not when the children are older. Not when you've healed everything.

Today. Right now. This very moment.

I think sometimes we make change much harder because we expect clarity to give us the entire map. Usually it doesn't. Sometimes clarity gives us one step. Make the call. Say no. Ask for help. Finish the thing. Rest. Begin. Tell the truth. Stop carrying something that was never yours. Allow yourself to want something you've been afraid to admit you want.

Maybe we don't need to know exactly where the entire path will lead. Maybe we need something much simpler: a way to recognize when we've lost our bearings and something meaningful enough to help us find them again.

So rather than asking yourself only, “What should I accomplish next?", try asking, “What matters enough that I want my decisions to keep moving me toward it?”

Then, "What is one small thing I can do today that points me in that direction?”

You don't need to see the entire path. You don't need certainty. You don't even need every part of you to agree.

You just need somewhere to orient yourself.

And when life inevitably pulls you away—as life does—you can look up, find your North Star, and begin navigating again.

Getting Help Defining It

I will be taking participants in our upcoming workshop through a mindfulness exercise that helps you discover your personal North Star, and then leverage it into your Business North Star. We believe that getting clear on your non-negotiables in life is key to making the best decisions you can for your business and the human behind it. Sign up today for free!

References:

Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. *Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10*(6), 410–422.